me as a laywer

methhomework:

me: so you took a shower and then you heard the gun shot

witness: yes

me as a lawyer: isn’t the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you’re forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate

witness: i’m bald

(via trust)

a-radioactive-platypus:

one-time-i-dreamt:

I was baking a strawberry shortcake for my mom when I realized that I forgot the baking powder. I began to panic so I pulled the cakes out of the oven; they were already completely baked but they rose just fine without the baking powder? I was staring at them in confusion, trying to remember if I accidentally put yeast in the batter, when I felt a shadow loom over me. I looked over my shoulder only to find Luigi. Luigi tenderly took my hands and told me, “You need not worry, for I will accompany you in any and all of your baking endeavors.” I have never felt more loved in my life. I cried.

I thought this was the mother of all shitposts and then I saw the url

(via itsagifnotagif)

surprisebitch:
“gornwen:
“thelonelywillow:
“carslayraeoflightlegendsen:
“eggsywin:
“Fun fact y’all, the reason why so many Ancient Greek and Roman statues have tiny genitalia was because large ones were associated with stupidity, ugliness, and...

surprisebitch:

gornwen:

thelonelywillow:

carslayraeoflightlegendsen:

eggsywin:

Fun fact y’all, the reason why so many Ancient Greek and Roman statues have tiny genitalia was because large ones were associated with stupidity, ugliness, and foolishness. Smaller penises meant rationality, wisdom, and authority. If you look for ancient statues of well-known horny and mischievous figures like Pan, they have hella large dicks.

i’m stupid and my meat is huge

If they just drag about their size they normally are kind not the sharpest tool in the shed. So maybe the greek and romans were on to something.

I’m absolutely certain the preferences for small penises has everything to do with the number of high status men receiving anal sex in the Greek and Roman world.

image

(via surprisebitch)

i cant believe i have a fucking degree in this shit


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